USER SUBMITTED QUOTES

HUMOR

Found 72 items. Pages: 1 2 >>

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(546 votes)  In my country we go to prison first and then become President.

Nelson Mandela
South African Statesman - b 1918 - Nobel Prize Winner 1993
Submitted by: South African Statesman - b 1918 - Nobel Prize Winner 1993

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(538 votes)  You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(529 votes)  Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(525 votes)  Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(525 votes)  Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(521 votes)  People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(521 votes)  I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(520 votes)  But only in their dreams can men be truly free It was always thus and always thus will be.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(519 votes)  Comedy is acting out optimism.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(516 votes)  See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(515 votes)  We have a president for whom English is a second language. He's like 'We have to get rid of dictators,' but he's pretty much one himself.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(514 votes)  We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(512 votes)  Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(511 votes)  I am of a sect by myself, as far as I know.

Thomas Jefferson
1743-1826, Third President of the USA
Submitted by: 1743-1826, Third President of the USA

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(510 votes)  If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(510 votes)  My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.

Ronald Reagan
40th US President, b. 1911-2004
Submitted by: 40th US President, b. 1911-2004

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(509 votes)  We are the people our parents warned us about.

Jimmy Buffett
Submitted by: Anonymous

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(509 votes)  Mickey Mouse to a three-year-old is a six-foot-tall RAT!

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(508 votes)  You could talk about same-sex marriage, but people who have been married (say) 'It's the same sex all the time.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(507 votes)  Ah, yes, divorce ... from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(507 votes)  Reality: What a concept!

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(507 votes)  God gave us a penis and a brain, but not enough blood to use both at the same time.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(505 votes)  Spring is nature's way of saying, Let's party!

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(504 votes)  You'll notice that Bush never speaks when Cheiney is drinking water, check that shit out.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(503 votes)  We Americans, we're a simple people . . . but piss us off, and we'll bomb your cities.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(503 votes)  The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses. She's got a baseball bat and yelling, You want a piece of me?

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(502 votes)  If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(501 votes)  Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(501 votes)  Cricket is basically baseball on valium.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(501 votes)  God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(500 votes)  Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and tics meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(500 votes)  God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(499 votes)  The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(497 votes)  See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(496 votes)  How do you tell a Communist? Well, it's someone who reads Marx and Lenin. And how do you tell an anti-Communist? It's someone who understands Marx and Lenin.

Ronald Reagan
40th US President, b. 1911-2004
Submitted by: 40th US President, b. 1911-2004

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(495 votes)  The only people flying to Europe will be terrorists, so it will be, Will you be sitting in armed or unarmed?

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(493 votes)  I like my wine like my women -- ready to pass out.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(493 votes)  Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.


Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(492 votes)  Before opening an envelope for best supporting actress]
I feel like Adam when he said to Eve, `Back up, I don't know how big this gets.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(487 votes)  If it's the Psychic Network why do they need a phone number?

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(487 votes)  You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(485 votes)  I hope you're all Republicans.

Ronald Reagan
40th US President, b. 1911-2004
Submitted by: 40th US President, b. 1911-2004

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(485 votes)  When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(482 votes)  Ah...so many pedestrians, so little time...

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(480 votes)  In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say Stop, or I'll say stop again.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(479 votes)  What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(477 votes)  My God. We've had cloning in the South for years. It's called cousins.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(467 votes)  When in doubt, go for the dick joke.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(465 votes)  No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

Robin Williams
American Actor & Comedian
Submitted by: American Actor & Comedian

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(456 votes)  Is global warming real or are the hot headed scientist to close to the thermometer.

HJN
Submitted by: Anonymous

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Found 72 items. Pages: 1 2 >>